Dining with Royalty

The scenery here in the forest was beautiful, but Nia’s mind was elsewhere. “I’m sweating through my dress. Long-sleeves were a bad idea.” Nia said, giving herself a quick sniff test. Were those sweat stains under her armpits or just shadows? “Maybe we should stop somewhere so I can freshen up.”

”Don’t worry, you smell fine.” Myles pat her leg.

”That’s easy for you to say, your stupid body doesn’t even produce sweat. What if she wants to shake my hands and they’re all clammy? What if I’m smelly and sweaty and disgusting and she just turns us away at the gates?!”

”And speaking of gates.” Myles turned their dinky little car onto the path. One of the guards immediately approached the car to verify their identities.

”I changed my mind. Let’s go back!” Nia whispered.

But Myles ignored her, instead driving the car forward through the slowly opening gates. The drive up to the front doors took longer than it would take to drive through the entire village near their home. Nia watched with awe as the sprawling and well manicured lawn gave way to an even more impressive estate. Here, nestled deep within the forest region, sat the magnificent Verdant Castle, home to Queen Iola. Nia had once driven past the gates of her own home region’s castle, but she had never been this close to a real palace before. Twisting ropes of ivy against steely-grey brick. The arched windows, the winding walkways, the turrets; it was like out of a movie. Even as she thought it, Nia’s face colored. Like a movie. What simpleton.

As soon as the car stopped, a man came forward to open their doors. “Welcome to Verdant Castle.“

”Oh uh- Thank you.” Nia said. As she stepped out of the car a woman exited the castle.

”Ms. Rey, welcome. I am the queen’s assistant, I’ll be showing you the way.” The woman said. She turned to Myles. “And you are, sir?”

”Myles Rey. The other half of the dream team.” He replied.

”If that’s okay.” Nia added. Technically the letter was addressed to her as the actual owner of their business, but she had naturally assumed Myles was invited too. It wouldn’t be right for her to represent their business without him. If the queen objected to his presence, Nia didn’t know what she would do.

”That is fine. Follow me, now.” The woman lead the pair into the foyer, then down a series of winding halls. Nia tried not to think about accidentally destroying any of the fancy artwork or tapestries they had hanging around. She had a vivid mental image of tripping and knocking into a vase that was oddly close to another vase which was oddly close to another…

”Her Majesty will see you now.” The queen’s assistant gestured for them to enter the room. Upon entering, Nia set eyes on the most decked out, state of the art kitchen she had ever seen. Accompanying that however was an unfortunate odor like gextro kibble set ablaze with gasoline.

”Ah, you must be the chef.” Queen Iola turned and greeted the couple openly. “Thank you for responding to my summons.”

Nia found herself paralyzed with anxiety. She couldn’t even process the queen’s statement. Her mind started associating the word “summons” with “demon summoning” and it all spiraled from there.

”We’re honored to be here.” Myles said after a moment. Nia thanked the stars for her wonderful husband.

”My friends in the desert spoke highly of your little food-mobile. Apparently, you’re making quite the name for yourself.” Iola said.

”Mhm.” Nia squeaked out.

”As you can see, I’m something of an aspiring cook myself. With my husband’s advice and encouragement I have decided to seek out the expertise of some professional chefs to up my cooking game, as it were. We’ve had many so called experts and celebrity chefs come to the castle, but so far none of them have understood what it is I require of them. They keep trying to teach me the basics of cooking, chopping, measuring, things like that. But I already know how to do those things. What I want is to make food that’s interesting and brings people back for more. None of that cookbook stuff.”

Judging by the smell wafting over from the stove, Nia thought she knew why people weren’t returning for a second bowl of whatever the queen was whipping up. Not that she was going to say so, obviously.

”There’s no one who knows food like my Nia.” Myles said. “You’ve come to right place.”

Iola smiled. “Good to hear. And don’t worry, you’ll receive something as compensation for your lesson. I wouldn’t drag you all the way here for nothing.” She clapped her hands together. “To begin, how about I treat you to some of my world famous soup?”

”Sounds great.” Myles and Nia sat down at the table there in the kitchen and watched as Iola dished up three bowls of soup.

A cooking class? Nia thought to herself. The queen of Aerius wants a cooking lesson from me?! She didn’t quite believe it. The letter had only said she wanted to discuss their business with her, but now she was actually asking for a private lesson. Her sisters would lose it when they heard.

As soon as Iola brought the soup over, the smell made Nia’s eyes water. It was pungent and murky, more akin to bog water than something fit for dextroluman consumption. “Eat up.” Iola said cheerfully. She sat down and began eating the suspicious concoction.

Nia watched Myles take his first bite. When he didn’t turn green and fall over, she took a small sip of her own. Nia considered her palate pretty well developed. She could usually taste the difference between northern forest mushrooms and northeastern forest mushrooms the moment they hit her tongue. Queen Iola’s soup tasted like… sour dishwater. If it wasn’t for the misshapen lumps of mushroom floating around in the elixir of death, Nia wouldn’t have known there were any mushrooms inside at all. The taste of it made her throat tense up, as if her body was rejecting her intention to consume it at all. She tried to hide her expression with a hearty gulp of water from her glass.

”So… what do you think? Not bad for amateur, eh?”

”Wow uh, who knew our lovely queen was so… passionate about cooking?” Nia said. The soup had left behind a weird sensation in her throat and she was finding it hard to speak properly.

”It’s no CanBelle’s, but it’ll do.” Myles said. When Nia elbowed him he added: “Oh, sorry. It’s an Earth thing, just a joke.”

”Ah, I see. And speaking of, it’s not often we get to welcome a visitor from your home world to our castle. In fact, I can’t remember the last time we did.” Iola seemed to think for a moment, then her expression darkened. Nia couldn’t help but wonder if the queen was remembering what had happened with the humans so long… yet not all that long ago. Then Iola shook her head. “Is your food-car an Earth attraction?”

”Yeah, I was the one that gave Nia the idea to bring food trucks to Aerius, but the truck is really her baby. I’m mostly the taste-tester.”

”My husband actually quite enjoys cooking. Believe it or not, oftentimes he’ll kick out the staff and cook a meal for us himself. He encourages all my pursuits though, so he’s letting me have a bit of a run around the kitchen.

”Actually your Majesty, Myles is selling himself short. He makes the most wonderful desserts on the truck.” Nia said, after polishing off the rest of her glass of water.

”Oh?”

”Guilty as charged.” Myles said. Nia noticed he was still eating the soup. Maybe lockettes really were just built with different stuff. She took a few fake bites while Iola was distracted. Even the smell made her stomach do somersaults.

”Right now soup is really my passion, but if I ever decide to take up pastry I guess I know who to call.” Iola smiled.

”Uh, shall we begin?” Nia asked.

”Oh, are you done with the soup?”

”Yes, I uh want to save room for what we make later.”

”Alright.” Iola cleared the dishes for them, then retrieved three aprons from the closet. “What would you suggest?”

”Uh.” For a moment, Nia’s mind went blank and she couldn’t think of a single dish to mention. Then she remembered that this was her happy place. Spending her days and nights in the cramped kitchen on their food truck and the similarly cramped kitchen at their cottage. Feeding Myles little bites off the spoon. (He always said it was delicious before giving any actual feedback.) If there was anything in the world she was equipped to deal with it was this. “If soup’s your thing, you can’t do any better than spicy shroom carrot soup. So long as you have any mushroom from the volcanic region we’re good to go.”

”Our kitchen has any type of mushroom, vegetable, and seasoning we could ever need.”

”If I may?” Nia gestured to the pantry and Iola stepped aside for her. She gathered up everything and set it on the counter. “First we need to chop everything and get it organized in some kind of container. I’ll take the mushrooms and you can do the aromatics.”

”Can do.” Iola and Nia both took a cutting board and began chopping. In the background, Myles set up the pots and pans he knew they would need. Nia diced all the mushrooms neatly, then placed them in a bowl. Iola followed suit. Nia noticed how irregular the queen’s knife cuts were, but she bit her tongue. It was going to be a little difficult to do this lesson properly without feeling able to critique Iola. No matter what Iola said was alright, Nia wasn’t going to be able to correct a queen on her technique.

”Let’s toss those onions in one pan to caramelize while we toast the spices.”

Iola dumped the onions into the pan then stirred them around. “What difference does it make to cook the onions first? I usually just put them in with everything else.”

”Cooking them first helps them sweat out some moisture and add a natural sweetness.” Nia answered. (She didn’t add that no one wants to bite into a raw onion in the middle of their soup.)

”I’m learning already.”

The two women stayed at the stove for a while, watching after everything in the pans. Nia wished Myles would jump in and crack a joke or two. Although Iola seemed relaxed enough, Nia was still tense. When the spices were all toasted, Nia helped Iola put them and some herbs into a small steeping bag. “Next up: Veggie stock, cream, and our carrots. Do-“ Before she could ask for a blender, Iola dumped all the carrots straight into the pot. Nia was going to blend them before cooking them, but there wasn’t much they could do now. It should be fine.

”Done. Now the rest, I assume?”

”Right.” They put everything together in the pan with the caramelized onions. Then Nia added the rest of the ingredients left in the bowls. “Now we wait. This needs to simmer for about an hour or so before it’ll be ready.”

”While we wait, how about a tour?” Iola said. “We have our own private mushroom garden here with some unusual varieties you might like.”

Special secret mushroom varieties?! Nia was practically salivating already. Myles shot her a grin. He knew all too well how much she loved local mushrooms. “Yeah- Uh yes, if it’s no trouble.” She said.

”None at all. It’s just this way.” Iola took off her apron, as did Myles and Nia, then everyone headed down the hall. They exited through a set of double doors and Nia came face to face with the most glorious mushroom garden she had ever seen. Oh how she yearned to run her fingers through the soil, to compare the quality to what she was used to her from her suppliers. When cultivated properly, mushrooms from this area of the forest were some of the best in the world.

Nia bent down to examine the shrooms closest to her. “Large cap. Slightly translucent stem. Pronounced earthy quality.” She muttered. She reached a finger out to touch one, then chastised herself. No need to rush the process. There will be time for that later.

”Mushrooms are kind of Nia’s favorite thing ever. This is basically heaven to her.” Nia overhead Myles say behind her.

”They are a most crucial part of any dextro’s diet.” Iola said. “I’d be more concerned if she hated them.”

Nia stood quickly, her face suddenly taking on a crimson hue. “I’m so sorry! I got a little excited.”

”No, no, it’s fine. If you see anything interesting, feel free to take a handful home with you to cook up later.”

Nia nearly fainted. Mushrooms from the Verdant Castle garden? How would she even be able to eat them?! She would want to keep them preserved on a shelf forever. “Well… these one’s here look pretty good.”

Iola waved her hand and a man appeared out of nowhere with a small basket. “For our visitors.” She said.

Nia accepted the basket, then took a few moments to select the perfect mushrooms to bring home. Or, rather, she thought she took a few moments. As she was placing the last delectable little fungi into her basket, Iola suggested it was time to head back in and check the soup already. Nia placed the basket carefully inside her purse, then everyone returned the the kitchen.

”It should be ready to be blended now.” Nia said. It would have been safer and easier to this before everything was cooked, but it had to get done at some point. Myles grabbed the blender from the closet and Nia very carefully added everything in, save the herb bundle which was tossed in the trash. She was glad Iola didn’t ask to help, because she wasn’t sure she trusted her. Once the mixture was smooth, Nia returned it to the pot on low heat.

”Let’s see.” Iola stirred the wooden spoon around the pot. “Seems done to me.”

”We should give it a taste before dishing it up. Tasting what you’re cooking is probably the most important part.”

”It’s also the most fun.” Myles added.

Nia took a small taste, then offered some to Iola and Myles too, of course. “What do you think?” She asked.

Iola seemed to ponder this. “I can’t think of anything.”

”A pinch of good ol salt and pepper wouldn’t hurt.” Myles said.

”No I suppose he’s right. I always forget to add salt when I cook.”

Nia didn’t comment on that because she had already surmised as much earlier. She added a little more seasoning, then stirred it up. “All done.”

”Aren’t you forgetting the most important part of good soup?” Myles asked.

”I- Oh of course,” Nia smiled. “Good soup needs even better bread. Do you have any loaves around?”

”There should be one in the bread box.” Iola said.

”Here, lemme be helpful today.” Myles retrieved the bread, then sliced it quickly. He put a healthy dollop of olive oil on the top, sprinkled on some garlic salt, and tossed it in the oven to crisp up. “Ten minutes until chow time.”

”Excellent. You can go ahead to the dining room and I’ll meet you there when the bread is done. Oh and don’t worry about it, I’ll have someone collect that too. My assistant will show you the way.” And with that, Iola left them alone in the kitchen. Not thirty seconds later, her assistant appeared to guide them to the dining room. For some reason, the dining room was not actually near the kitchen at all. It was back towards the entrance, perhaps with the accommodations of guests in mind and not of kitchen staff. Although judging by the fancy kitchen, it probably wasn’t original to the castle, so perhaps it had been more convenient in years past.

”Thank you.” Nia said as they were shown their seats. The assistant nodded, then departed as quickly as she had appeared. Nia took stock of the room. Wall to wall wainscoting, antique display cabinets, and not one, but three chandeliers above them. On the wall closest to them hung a beautiful portrait in a gold frame. Nia of course had never met her, but she was pretty sure it was a painting of Deja.

“I bet this table cloth has a higher thread count than our bedsheets.” Myles said, running a hand across the fabric. “This’d feel nice under your butt.”

”Myles!” Nia kicked him under the table.

”What? We’re alone now. We can say whatever we want.”

”Queen Iola will be back any minute. I don’t want her coming in while you’re talking about your butt.”

”Alright, alright.” Myles laughed.

”Now you decide to talk. I could’ve used a little commentary from someone more personable earlier. You’re usually more helpful.”

”It seemed to me that they were only expecting you, not me. Besides, your name’s the one on the business. Maybe it’s not my place.”

”Hey, you’ve been a part of this thing from day one. You have every right to participate in anything to do with our business.” Nia said seriously.

”I’ll kept that in mind for the next time royalty calls upon us for cooking tips.”

”If it happened twice, I think I’d have a heart attack.”

”You an’ me, babe, household names. Locations across the globe. Personal tutors to the rich and regal.”

Nia laughed. “I like our cozy little village life, thank you very much.”

”Apologies for the wait.” Iola said, entering the room. “Nia, Myles, this is my husband, Nero.”

”Or as I like to call myself these days, the royal taste tester.” Nero said. Nia couldn’t help but notice him wince slightly as he said this. If he had to eat Iola’s soup every day, his reaction was more than valid.

”It’s very nice to meet you.” Nia said.

The couple took their places at the table, then staff emerged to serve them. A bowl of hot, carrot soup was placed before each of them, with a little wedge of crispy bread balanced on top. “Enjoy.” Iola said.

The moment the first spoonful of soup hit her tongue, Nia was suddenly aware of just how hungry she was. With the stress of the day and the complete unpalatability of their lunch, Nia was famished. The collaboration soup was much better than what Iola had made by herself. Everyone found themselves more focused on eating than chatting.

”What do you think, darling?” Iola asked eventually.

”I think… I’d like some more.” Nero drug the last bit of bread through the remainder of his soup. “Your best dish yet.” He said. Nia had a feeling that was one-hundred percent truthful.

”I’m glad you think so. It’s due in part to our new friends, of course.”

”Yes, thank you.” He gave them a knowing look while Iola’s attention was elsewhere and Nia had to try hard not to laugh. Myles tipped his glass in a mock toast.

”We’ll have to have you back some time. Perhaps for some of those desserts you mentioned.” Iola said.

”I should have made something while you two were cooking.” Myles said.

”Yeah, you should’ve.” Nia said.

”Give me five minutes.” Myles made as if to stand up.

Iola laughed. “Well, I think I can safely say this has been the most successful of my culinary parings, so thank you again. But we do have a thing or two to tend to and I’m sure you’re ready to begin the journey home.”

”Thank you very much for having us.” Nia stood and awkwardly gave a little bow.

”Here’s a little token of my appreciation.” Iola handed Nia a small package and a large thermos. “Some of my mushroom soup for the road!”

”Wow… thanks.”

”Of course. Good luck with your food wagon. I’d love to hear more on that in the future.” Iola gave a small wave, then she and Nero left the dining room.

Nia and Myles returned to their car. “You drive,” Nia said. “I’m still in shock.”

”Okay.” Myles laughed. They both got into the car. Nia put the gifts in the backseat, then buckled up. Myles got them on their way.

Nia sat there in a daze. She dined with royalty. They liked her food. She didn’t totally embarrass herself. Overall, she thought it had gone really well. Nia wasn’t totally convinced that she and Myles were ever going to be invited back. Maybe the queen was just being friendly. Both the queen and king had been surprisingly friendly and open. If they hadn’t spent most of their dinner slurping down the soup, Nia could see herself exchanging stories and ideas with them. She wondered if she should send them a gift when they got home. A box of Myles’ choco bite cookies and maybe a cookbook. Perhaps some sort of novelty salt and pepper shaker to encourage Iola actually… using them.

”The whole car smells like soup now.” Myles said, interrupting Nia’s train of thought.

”Oh, you’re right.” Nia had thought that was just her imagination, but now she realized the putrid odor was actually leaking through the thermos. One day, she really needed to watch Iola make her “famous” soup. Study it, the way one might study an alien society or newly discovered creature. “We may have to stop somewhere and get rid of it.”

”Ha! If it bugs you that much, lemme know and I’ll pull over somewhere.”

”It doesn’t bother you?”

”Eh.” Myles shrugged. “I’ve been a lot of places, smelled a lot of things. I once met a woman who ran a body farm and she let me take a tour in exchange for some special  brownies, if you know what I mean.”

Nia did not know what any of that meant, but she had stopped asking questions about his stories a while ago. “Even so, I’ve gotta know: How the fuck did you down three quarters of a bowl of that soup?!”

Myles laughed heartily. “I have no idea. I think it actually melted part of my shell. You’ll need to check me for fresh fractures later.”

”Oh my gosh.” Nia laughed. “I have only one thing to say about that: Her husband must really  love her.”